I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m sitting at the hairdresser bored out of my brain. At least she is in the house doing her own stuff then having to try and make small talk while the bleach is working. I guess at least we had something to talk about while putting in my foils. We talked about her pregnancy and the dog she is dog sitting. Plus about Pix and my scare. 

Now to have to it washed and cut. 

[Captain24]

I’ve done something stupid. I have spent the afternoon in bed. I haven’t done that for ages. I’m thinking things may be getting worse. I don’t know. Is it a warning sign? It’s on my SP. I’m trying to do some Lego now to distract me but I just keep doom scrolling. It’s not helpful at all. It’s all feeling a little to tough for me right now. 

[AuntGlow]

45 minutes of overtime ain't too bad! hehe @Captain24 

I can understand being exhausted from having to perform... it's so tiring trying to 'get things right' all the time... I am curious, what could you gain from allowing yourself to be less perfect? 🤔

haha that is very sassy, I like it. 

I am really glad she is better, poor baby.

Yes, that is a huge win. I tend to do the same and feel awful by the end of the day. It's tough when your nervous system is overloaded and you just want to disconnect. *Addressing your above post, please know that you are still allowed to have moments like this where you take time to stay in bed and scroll, especially if that is what your body is asking for. I am sure @Jynx can speak more on this too - especially where neurodivergence is concerned.  🫶

I won't try and change your opinion... mostly. (But I don't think you're ever too old.)

I can definitely hear that your anxiety increases when talking about hospital, which is understandable. What are some of your strategies?

I am glad that posts here have helped you to feel heard, that's really good to know. 

When my rejection brain is strong, I see it in the nuances of my experiences much more often. It can feel excruciating... but I have noticed that redirecting to the moments, which prove the opposite, has been helpful. I am wondering if you'd be able to explore this at all? 💛

[Captain24]

It’s actually an hour and a half. I had a half hour break and 45 minutes of the digger being down. So I got paid the full hour and a half and only worked 15 minutes of it! @AuntGlow 

I struggle with less than perfect. I expect everything to be perfect. It’s something that was drummed into me. Nothing was ever good enough. 98% on a maths exam and not a will done just what did I do wrong to not get that last 2%. I think I have discovered that I desperately need new glasses. When the sun came up I wasn’t as bad, but still not perfect. I need to give myself some slack but just don’t know how too. 

She is improving everyday and is also more engaging. She is sitting here whining at me as she wants dinner! I think she is going to be ok. But it’s still really stressful and she is still not out of the woods.

Maybe it’s overload.. I don’t know. There is so much going on and my anxiety is still an 8/10. Maybe after Tuesday it might go down. Then there will be the fallout of crashing after being so heightened. Today I just can’t donation plus I spent 2 hours at the hairdresser this morning and that takes a lot out of me. I’m not distracting myself very well. I just want to go back to bed but I can’t let myself. I’ll be letting my psych down and letting myself down. Maybe they can help with the ND thing. It could be part of it. 

I feel it though.. I did teach an 80 year old how to tap. The music she wanted to dance to was Michael Jackson, so I taught her how to moon walk as well. She also loved river dance so I showed her a basic step that she knew and we got faster and faster, then I told her to put her arms straight down by her side and make fists. I said to look in the mirror…. Her response.. ‘Oh my goodness.. I’m doing river dance!’

On the drive over I have to have my spiky ring and a squishy. I also have to do box breathing and watch the scenery, looking past the trees in the side of the road which is all I normally look at. See the properties, see the studs and whatever else. While I’m waiting in the room to go in.. box breathing again and the 5 things exercise but really take in the senses. Analyse each item in detail. I have to write all this in a list and keep them in my pocket. I have to visualise the drive over daily and walking into the hospital. I’ve googled what it looks like and where the reception desk is. Kore visualisation. I think she said it was visualisation exposure therapy. 

I have learnt that there is rejection and what I perceive as rejection and that they are 2 different things. I struggle to challenge it though. It’s hard to see the opposite. I wish I could but it’s just always in the negative. Of course people reject me as I’m not worth anything… why would they want to know me.

[tyme]

Aloha @Captain24 ! How are you? How's Pix?

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

How was the picnic? 

Im having a rough day. I got my hair done this morning so it was 2 hours at the hairdresser and then my hair was staticky and was a sensory overload! 

I spent a couple of hours in bed and I tried some Lego for distraction but have basically just doom scrolled

Pix is doing really well. I’m proud of her. Just another 2 weeks to see if she has fully recovered.

[tyme]

I'm just reading your post. How did Pix get like that? I know you said Pix was out in the heat, but for long? Is this something that regularly happens?

My fork is ok. Not as painful I guess - for now. @Captain24 

[Captain24]

She has had hay fever and her breathing has been a bit laboured. @tyme. I was thinking it was time to take her to the vet and get it checked out just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. 

She would have been out for I guess and hour +. Mums dog walks a couple of kms. Jett keeps up just fine but they are both 2 and have long legs. Pix is 6 with short stocky legs and has always felt the heat. 

Iy turns out that Pix had an irritation in her trachea and that is what has affected her breathing. Mum pushed her too hard and for too long in the heat. She waa panting so hard. The vet said with the irritation and the panting it was closing her trachea. The more she tried to breathe through panting the more it closed off. Hence the really laboured breathing. When she collapsed it was because she was so overheated and not being able to pant to reduce some of it. She had a drink of water but vomited because she was so sick. While waiting the 20 mins for the vet her tongue went blue. Lucky the vet made it in time and it was the best vet for the situation. She knows Pix and us. The injections she was given was to reduce the irritation. The antihistamines are helping reduce any further irritation. I don’t think she still has one though. Wait and see when she gets of these tablets. 

I’m glad it’s feeling a little better. I feel like having that visualisation helps sort of separate it..it represents something. I’m hoping that by separating it and seeing it for what it is gives you a clearer picture of what you are dealing with not attached to something else. I don’t know if any of that made sense 

I have one that is pretty deep but lessening (Pix) and one that is going deeper and deeper in. 

[tyme]

Wow. I don't even know what to say. That's so so scary @Captain24 . So your mum realised and called the vet or did you?

I'm thinking she then had to take Pix home @Captain24 ?

That's such a tale that can't be forgotten easily. I know how much you love her.

[Captain24]

Mum called the vet. @tyme. It was Saturday afternoon so they were shut. I was at work and had no idea what had happened. I was driving home from work and called mum to see how dad was and she said she still had the dogs so I said I’d call in and get them. The three of them met me at the door and Pix was excited so mum tried calming her down which was strange. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. I was in shock. I didn’t know what to say, all I said was that’s going to be expensive. I got home and was really angry that she took them out in 30 degree heat. Then it hit me and I just lost it. The realisation that I could have lost my sweet, darling, beautiful little girl. The whole reason that I’m still alive. 

I don’t think I’ll ever forget it it and neither will mom, it scared her. The next day mum had to have her again. Then when it got to nightshift mum didn’t sleep much as she was worried that the dogs were on their own. She said Pox looked and sounded good otherwise she would have kept them. The whole Sunday and nightshifts all I could think about was hoping she was ok. My last dog I said goodnight to and that I’d see her in the morning.. went to work and then come home to find her dead. It’s a big fear that the same may happen. 

Sorry for the overshare but it still has me on edge and the fact that she still isn’t out of the woods. 

How has your day been? Get stuff done? 

Im glad it worked out. It sounds like an awesome idea. Hopefully you guys do it more. 

That’s great that all the kids play. We use to do that to. All of us in the street.