I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I sat in the sun for a few minutes. It was nice out there. I sat in the front room and tried to read but that didn’t work. I tried to watch some tv, I couldn’t focus so that didn’t work. I can’t really think of anything else.

My mind and body are just so done that it’s hard to see through it. 

[rav3n]

sitting in the sun sounds nice, i might soak some sun later too @Captain24 

would something craft-related help a bit? maybe lego? 

sometimes i literally just lay on my couch, have the tv on softly as 'background noise' and close my eyes. i can't even sleep, but just closing my eyes and resting helps. if my mind wanders around, i start humming songs or creating fictional stories in my mind so that it's not swept away into those darker places. i know that this doesn't necessarily work for everyone but just thought i'd share some other ways 😊

[Captain24]

It is nice out there @rav3n. I’m making myself move the sprinklers around as I finally have my backyard looking nice. I have lawn growing in places it hasn’t ever grown in. The front is looking okish but it’s north facing so it’s harder in this harsh weather, summer and winter. 

I actually didn’t think of Lego or anything. I do have a Christmas 3D puzzle that I’m almost finish so I could try that. Thank you. I can post it in the thread when it’s done, I have another one that I have done too. 

I can give that a try. It’s hard on the lounge as as soon as the dogs see your eyes closed they have to jump on me!! 😜 It’s a little bit cute. I do remember them saying in hospital if you hum it’s harder to have the thoughts. I just don’t remember to do it or forget that I’m doing it at the time! But another thing I can give a go. Thank you. 

I have sorted out which dog toys to give which dogs, ready to wrap and I’ve folded dad’s shirt and mums top ready to wrap. Plus I’ve got their chocolates out from the dogs. I hate wrapping and I have 11 to wrap. 

It’s so so so hard to do any of it though, the sprinklers, trying to sort presents…. Everything. 

[Captain24]

I couldn’t talk myself into having a bath. I can’t talk myself into a shower either. I’ve done well and showered everyday but today I just can’t do it. So much for ‘self care’ or as we now call it, maintenance. 

I really want to just give up. All those passive thoughts are too much. I know, I know… I’m too much and everyone is over hearing from me. 

I really wish I could just disappear.

I am safe, it’s all just passive. Just getting it out somewhere as I have nowhere else to turn

[AuntGlow]

Hey! @Captain24 

I am responding to your message from last night now. 💛

Going to the Christmas party is absolutely an achievement! Good on you. And knowing when to leave is also just as important - and you did both. 🥳

Your weekend sounds so, so busy!! Do you ever find that there is space to thank yourself for all that you do?

A bath sounds divine. I know that today has been a little harder getting to practice self-care... but sometimes not pushing ourselves to engage in self-care is in fact self-care. What other kind of nurturing can you do with the capacity you currently have?

How was your appointment overall? I know you mentioned some vulnerability came up, but I am curious to know what else you took away? 

That would be really, really tough... to feel dismissed and disconnected. I wonder if you could watch a movie this year? To work on healing that part of your inner child? 🥰

[Captain24]

Hey @AuntGlow 

Thanks for acknowledging the party, I think I planned it well. 

No.. there is no thanks it all just has to be done and I just do it. Sometimes I can see that doing so much is an achievement but there is no thanks or reward involved. 

I was suppose to put self care into my list of things to do but I didn’t. She has now worded it as maintenance instead of self care. I need to maintain my body to be able to keep going. But I really don’t know what to do. I spend time with my dogs and I sit out in the sun for a little while while I have a smoke. 

My appointment was good just confronting. I have to sit an acknowledge my feelings and where they are sitting in my body. I lasted 23 seconds with her yesterday. I have to time how long I cans last and what I am doing at the time. Whether I’m sitting with the dogs or snuggling my weighted teddy. 

It’s just life and how I was raised and it still continues to happen a fair bit. When they leave after lunch I’ll just prep for dinner and then might have a nap. Or maybe a bath. They were nice though as they bright me some prawns this morning since I have done and gotten everything for tomorrow. They would have helped but I wanted to do it all. They may have to do it all next year if I’m working.