I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I don’t really know what I would have liked to do @Jynx. It’s hard to get past the fear. It was more than just verbal and emotional abuse. I guess what we did was climb trees.

I find it hard to switch on the fun side.

This is kinda explaining why I see the dark side of things. If some good comes it’ll be taken away from me. I’ll just be bought back down whether verbally, emotionally or physically. I am not worth having fun. It doesn’t happen for me. This is why I’m so horrible and deceitful. This is explaining so much. I see why I am who I am. I see why I am nothing. This has lead me down a dangerous path that I wasn’t expecting 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Aww hun, I am sorry that it has resulted in such intense self-depreciation for you. I wanna say it's all part of the process but doesn't make it any less terrifying. 

I will say that these kinds of thoughts sound really normal/understandable considering your childhood experiences. And whilst it might seem like it 'all makes sense' and that it is written in stone, it really, really isn't. You may have inherited this narrative from your family but that doesn't mean you need to keep it. 

Is there any tools or strategies that you maybe learned during your stay at the cilnic you could utilise right now? Or maybe you could try to imagine how the psychs/group facilitators would respond if they heard you saying these things? 

[Captain24]

I’ve had some dinner, I’ve taken my meds, I’m watching MasterChef and I’ve tried breathing and relaxing through my body. @Jynx 

I have tried, I have listened to external voices but the internal voices are just so strong. 

[Jynx]

Sounds like you're looking after yourself hun, proud of you @Captain24 

Sometimes we need to be our own external voice... Perhaps try saying some of the things out loud to yourself? 

[Captain24]

I can’t voice the external. @Jynx. The internal is just too strong. I have tried to do the right things

[Jynx]

@Captain24 That's okay hun, we can't always push ourselves to do those things even if we know they'd help. You already pushed yourself waaay outside your comfort zone this week so it's maybe better to just keep it low-key. 

Ach... I thought I saved a meme last night that made me think of you, had chihuahuas in it and all, but I must not have saved it. Dang it! Buuuut I did save this one, Terry Crews talking about Lego! 

[Captain24]

I like that @Jynx. I just need to be able to apply it. It’s just too hard right now. 

I have done a bit already this week, I have my GP appointment tomorrow, it’s the first since I abruptly stopped my meds. Thats why i need the time focused on me. At least he will have the report from the hospital so hopefully i wont get any lectures. I have a zoom appointment with my psych on Thursday. Then I see my CM on Friday. I don’t usually cope well after my appointments lately. 

Im struggling at the moment.. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hmm maybe it could help to bring up that you've been feeling pretty rubbish after your appts? Help you figure out whether something needs to shift or be addressed? 

Anything else on tomorrow after the appt? Maybe you could do something nice to treat yourself, help keep the struggle bus at bay? 

[Captain24]

After the appointment I get mums dog for the night. @Jynx. Her and Jett just run-a-muck. I won’t be able to do any 

thing they will just be climbing all over me and poor Pix. I’m really not looking forward to it. 

I’ll try and do some diamond art as neither of them can reach that. 

[Jynx]

Oh my stars the chaos @Captain24 haha nooooo. I hope it doesn't get too overwhelming for you and lil Pix! Whilst they wreak havoc, you and Pix will just be looking at each other like  

🤣🤣

Anywho, I should say nighty night my dear. Keep warm, and you also now have special instructions from Jynx to be gentle with yourself tonight! Catch you tomorrow hun, hope the gp appt goes smoothly and you sruvive the puppy pandemonium. Toodles 💜