I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah cept for the part where it ain't just up to you whether you deserve support or not! And to ignore a human being in pain - especially one with whom I have a connection - would go against every value I have. Please never forget, I consider my role, my time here with y'all, an absolute privilege. I get to be there for folks - like you, and many others who are struggling too - in a way that feels healing for the younger parts of me that had no one. I get that it can actually feel scary to let people care about you. But even (especially!) on those days it feels like you are 'taking up space' - it's always deserved 💜

OMG yay! What are you doing with time off? Or is this for a clinic stay? I forget, sorry!

[Captain24]

It’s hard to think of people wanting to support me that I’m not paying @Jynx. It’s hard to accept that someone would actually care. My psych has to support cause I pay her so much. It does feel genuine though. 

It was for the stay but it got cancelled so I’m just going to basically hang around here and get stuff done.

I do want to go to the blue mountains for a day trip with mum. I drive through there all the time but I haven’t actually been there since I was in primary school. It’s probably been just under 40 years. I also want to go down to see my psych for a face to face session and spend 2 nights and hopefully catch up with a couple of friends. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 maybe your psych is like me - the pay is kinda just a bonus/the box I need to tick to like... eat, pay rent, keep my internet running, all those silly little perks of capitalism 😑  If I wanted money I'd have gone into medicine 🤣

It's legit so easy to care for and about you all. You know how good it feels to help others? THATS what I'm here for. So, kinda selfish of me really 😝

Oh nice!! I mean not that your stay was cancelled, but that you have some actual free time!!

That would be a wonderful lil holiday!! And maybe a frosty lil trip to the beach? Sometimes it's better in winter, no crowds and the whole atmosphere is different!

[Captain24]

Sorry. I feel asleep @Jynx 

I guess maybe it’s not about the pay for her. I do feel like she does care. 

Im glad you like helping people. I hope it gives you some meaning. 

I think the free time will be good. When I go visit my psych the beach is there plus I’m thinking of maybe going a little further down. Maybe Kiama blow hole. I don’t know. 

Anyway I am going to work today so I’ll see you after work

[Jynx]

Glad you got some rest @Captain24 !! How was your day? 

[Captain24]

I got into bed and thought I’d what for your response but I don’t even temper my head hitting the pillow. @Jynx 

My day was busy but I’m really angry. I cracked it in the two way at a guy that was p!ssing me off. I cracked it at a guy who took too long to get out of his truck. I then cracked it at him because he said the loader operator could sit in the back (that’s a big no no!) then I cracked it at him again for driving the light vehicle way too fast. Like 30 kms over the speed limit of 60!! Then I got behind a slow car and they pissed me off but I’m really anxious about driving after the too incident. So I was anxious and pissed. 

Then come home and people are whinging but they won’t do anything to help themselves. 

IM ANGRY

[Jynx]

@Captain24 would it make you feel better if I told you I absolutely lost it over some boiled eggs the other day? Like screaming, punching pillows level of rage. Dang things wouldn't peel right, and I made quite a mess! I had to reassure myself that it wasn't really about the eggs. It was all the other life stress finding an outlet. 

Here for you hun. Everyone is different when angry - what sort of things do you find helpful? Like, space to vent? A distraction? Validation and reassurance? Whatever feels like it could help 😊

[Captain24]

While that’s not funny.. it kinda is 😜 @Jynx. I actually start stamping my feet and throwing the eggs when they won’t peel. So I get it!

I feel like I just need to get it all out. But I don’t even know where it has come from. There is so much rage inside. Punching pillows doesn’t work. Screaming doesn’t work cause I can’t actually scream!! I know I’m weird. 

I feel like I want to punch a hole in the wall. But I never would. I always got in trouble for chucking a tantrum. I was never allowed to feel let alone be angry. 

Now I’m pissed iff cause some f@ckwit has just parked out the front of my house and the dogs are barking. Park out the front of the house you are visiting!!! Aaaarrrggggghhhhh

[Captain24]

 
also this is how I started my day at work!  

[Jynx]

@Captain24 not weird, just socially conditioned. Does it feel like screaming would be 'wrong' somehow? 

Rage/anger, in my experience, is our fight response, reacting to perceived injustice. So when our needs aren't met as kids, there's a part of us that gets angry about it, but because of how society views anger, we get taught to repress it. But what we resist, persists.... and it all has to come out some time. 

Maybe that's something you can gently work on? Letting yourself express your rage. For me, since it is related to the 'fight' response, it's a large amount of energy that needs to be channelled into something - like pillow punching or screaming or ripping up paper or singing very loudly to very angry music. Different to my flight response getting activated, which is when I get the urge to run and hide and avoid everyone and everything.

Buuuuut running does help with my anger a bit - again, it's the energy that needs to move through. I also sometimes put on very dramatic music and as I run I pretend I'm in a movie, and I'm running towards a big battle, but I know it's one I'm gonna win 😋