Recently struggling

[ThatGuyBPD]

I feel trapped, inside my own head. 

I've been having some quite serious paranoid thoughts, even though recently I've been trying to better myself bit by bit. Exercise, sleeping better, trying to socialize. But every fibre of my being is struggling with it. The closer I get to new people, the more I push away. My paranoid thoughts running like crazy. They don't like you, they deserve a better friend, you're just wasting their time, why involve other people in your disaster of a life etc. 

Feeling negative and with crippling dissociation 

Sorry for the vent 

[ThatGuyBPD]

I know this seems all over the place , but I honestly can't think straight at all 

[BecauseI]

Hi and welcome,

can I ask one simple question what makes you think you have a disaster of a life?

Hoping to help you in someway.

[Ru-bee]

Hey @ThatGuyBPD 

Hearing how hard and intense these thoughts have been. I'm glad you've got this space to vent and get some of these thoughts out.

How are you doing this morning?

[ThatGuyBPD]

I'm at work, feeling very spaced out. But luckily today I can get away with it. Had a very disturbed sleep up and down every few hours. Even though I felt exhausted. I had some thoughts of self harm, but managed not to act on it. Still feeling very flat and dissociated. Like I'm on full auto pilot, but I'm so repulsed by letting my self feel things at the moment. My anxiety was bad also , I got a few time feeling like I wanted to vomit, didn't happen but felt awful.

[ThatGuyBPD]

Without going into great lengths of detail. My family business is racking up a crippling unpayable amount of tax debt. It's all in my father's name, but it sure does add a grey cloud to everything. Imagine trying to go to work, yet the money you earn doesn't feel like yours. It's the tax mans..

[Ru-bee]

That would be very challenging @ThatGuyBPD do you feel as though this debt with the business is the driving factor for these strong feelings of anxiety and dissociation, or are there other factors at play?

[ThatGuyBPD]

It is for sure a factor, but I've always struggled with feelings of never being enough for people. I feel like the harder I try the further back to the start I go. It's almost like I don't know what makes me happy or how to be happy. And people can sense that about me. I'd love a relationship honestly, but with everything going on. I've simply said no to myself on that one.