I can’t cope

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 !

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Hows your day going? 

Im so messed up… so much to work on. Well I ever be good enough?  Will I ever get things right? 

I can try and change but it’s going to take a while. I just need to find a better reward I guess. But if I rest without completing stuff doesn’t that make me lazy? I’ve always been told I’m fat and lazy so I’m working hard to not be so lazy.

If I’m honest… I’m really struggling with all this. I’ve read your post several times, it feels like I have to try and change my entire way of thinking. It’s overwhelming. I’m struggling to make sure my place on here is worthy of support. Which I’m hearing isn’t right. I’m struggling to understand that I don’t have to earn self care time. I’m feeling like… I don't really know how to put it into words…kinda like I’m failing at life? Kinda like everything as I know is wrong..

Im glad you feel that sense of calm..its a nice feeling. you’re really getting into things aren’t you.. I’m proud of you…. That’s kinda the way I feel when my house has no mess. 

My fridge smells pretty! I also took the dogs for a walk today. The first time in I don’t know how long! 

I did another Lego set and pulled another one out. Ru-bee said that they do theirs one colour at a time so when I get stuff done tomorrow, I might pull it out in the afternoon. I’ve got to change my sheets and doona cover and bath the dogs first. 

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

How was your day? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 let's apply that logic to another need? 

You can't earn a drink of water until you've proven you're thirsty enough. 

Unless you have a parched throat and a swollen tongue, you're just being greedy and you don't need water. 

I hope that sounds as horrible and ridiculous to you as it does to me. So when I hear anyone talking about not 'earning' time for rest, I have the same gut reaction. What?! You don't need to EARN a glass of water, and you don't need to EARN a kip on the couch. 

I really like the quote - "If it were laziness, you'd be enjoying yourself." And honestly, in this day and age, the only people who get that luxury are often very privileged people with money and time to burn. 

---

@Captain24 wrote:

Kinda like everything as I know is wrong..

---

Just wanna offer a little reframe... maybe 'everything you know' being wrong is a good thing. If everything you have been taught has lead only to suffering and self-loathing, maybe learning that you don't have to keep those beliefs can be a source of hope! Maybe you're not failing at life, maybe you're failing at adhering to the script you were given, because it simply isn't who you are. So then this:

---

@Captain24 wrote:

it feels like I have to try and change my entire way of thinking.

---

becomes also a good thing. If your current way of thinking is a source of distress and shame, wouldn't it be amazing to create a new internal environment? 

Changing our way of thinking doesn't mean changing who we are or abandoning our values. It's more about finding new ways of existing, both internally and externally, that are going to serve our needs and interests. It doesn't mean abandoning your sense of self or your integrity, it just means you are carving out a different way of seeing things and reacting to the world - in a way that feels nourishing and not exhausting. 

And remember, you didn't choose your way of thinking - you were socialised into it. It's like an inheritance, and you can choose not to accept it.  

[Captain24]

That does sound ridiculous @Jynx and I get it with water. But I’m struggling to see that with rest. I know that I need to change things as everyone is telling me I don’t need to earn it. Could looking at it as when I get everything done in the morning then the afternoon is mine? Is that better? 

It’s hard to see being lazy as a good thing. I feel the need to be on the go. Whether physically doing stuff or if I’m not at least doing Lego or something is mentally doing stuff. I beat myself up if I have a nap. If I sit in the lounge and do nothing. (Except of a night) 

I can see where you are going with that. If what I know is right then I’d feel better. Maybe that’s where everything I do is not good enough and I’m always failing at everything. 

It would be good to be able to think differently. To not be so hard on myself. To be able to feel like I am worthy.

Right now I feel defective. It does feel like that there is nothing right about me. It’s hard to not see any good in me. Externally as well. If I’m so defective is the rest of me defective too. It’s got me questioning so much about myself. Not just my f’ed up thoughts. What I think is good about me is it? Or is it just my defective brain. I’m feeling like I don’t know who I am. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , 

I've been okay. The city trip was okay. Went to a film museum thing that looks at the development of film over the decades. 

This week, I don't feel I've caught up on things. Still have a lot to do, so that's the only thing that I don't feel so good about. 

Once I catch up on everything, then I'll feel better about myself. It's like a never-ending list!

And that half basket of ironing is still there waiting for me.

How's your bro, his partner and you going?

[Captain24]

Was it interesting? @tyme 

It’s hard when you have got everything sorted. I hope you can get it done and feel better. This lists never end!!! 

Aarrgghh ironing.. you will get it done when you are ready! I have some to do tomorrow but not a lot. 

I haven’t heard from anyone so I guess they are alright. 

I took the dogs for a walk today!!! So proud of myself. 

Im currently questioning a lot about myself so it’s a bit hard. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I think that's an awesome way to go about it! Because if the afternoon is always yours, always a sacred time to spend doing whatever you like, it becomes part of the routine! 

Yeah see I'm the same - I guess I should clarify that 'rest' doesn't necessarily mean sleeping or doing nothing. Resting can mean you're not gonna think about your to-do list, you are just doing Lego and playing with the dogs. Or it can mean that you are doing some stretches while listening to music, to get into your body. Maybe you could think of it less like 'doing less' and more like 'doing the things that nourish the soul'. 

For me, sometimes rest is more about creating a relaxing internal environment - because my ADHD means that I can't sit still. Things like getting lost in a book and wandering around the house reading it, getting into flow-state whilst doing a task (like I do with cooking... wish it happened with the dishes too lol), getting caught up in a project till you realise oh I haven't peed in 9 hours... 🤣

Mm maybe it's not about changing what you're doing, but about changing how you think about what you're doing. Instead of 'I didn't have the energy to finish that task, I'm so lazy' it's 'I didn't have the energy to finish that task, I guess I have low capacity today'. 

With the 'defective' thought - again, it's all about the narrative right? Maybe you are 'failing' to live the life as set out by your parents and early childhood experiences/social expectations - but maybe that life is not actually who you are. Maybe 'failing' to become like them is a good thing. 

Not knowing oneself can be very painful. It can also be a great opportunity for change. If you don't know who you are, maybe you can choose to be someone who you like. Maybe not knowing means you have the chance to create your ideal self instead of having to stick to the 'script'. 

Woof, big feels and big thoughts!! How are you feeling? If we start creeping into overwhelm/spirally territory please let me know! We can chat about other stuff too 😊

[Captain24]

Tomorrow my list goes on for a while so it will be later in the afternoon that I’m free. @Jynx I won’t be free until it’s all done. I feel like it’s my priority. But I think that goes against what you are saying. I am planning my lists so that I do have at least late afternoons free. 

I take those kinda things as self care and rest is sitting down and stopping. But with that, if I’ve done everything I then make myself do Lego or something so that I’m not stopped and sitting on the lounge. It’s like I force myself to keep going. 

Lucky I have a dishwasher! It gets into its own flow state! I’ve been emptying it lately as it finishes so I can put my dirty dishes straight into it rather than leave them in the bench! 

I really need to change that thinking as if I didn’t complete a task I have failed. This is all going to take so much work and I don’t know if I’m good enough or strong enough. 

I want to be so different from them. I don’t want to always think I’m failing. I don’t always want to be not good enough. 

I see what you are saying about finding a new me. It’s hard. Right now I feel like there is nothing good about me. Not one thing. Not even a good dog mum. Pix wants a treat and I won’t give her one, bad mum. How do I change everything that I thought I was?  How do I change from what I know? 

Im so sorry that I'm being so difficult. It’s ok if you want to bail on me. I’m being a lot. 

[tyme]

The film museum was fun to go to, but once you see everything, it gets boring. It showed the different loungerooms across the decades including the TV-less lounge, the black and white TV lounge, the big coloured boxy TV loungeroom, then later, the flat screen TV lounge. I could relate to all of them except the black and white TV. I wasn't around then @Captain24 

Then we got to see how cartoons and movies are made etc. 

They also had those old Ninetendo64 games to pla like mario and pac man - arcade style.

At least I can tick it off the list and say I've done it, then I don't have to go back. 

I'm thinking to go to botanical gardens later this week.

For tomorrow, I've got a 2 hour meeting, assignments and work to STILL catch up on. 

I'm still catching my tail so I don't think i can relax until I have.

We are having new moderators start in about 1.5's time. So I'm taking them through the forums and have been doing training with them. They will generally do the over hours moderation so we still do the 10am-10pm. Sometimes they will be around during the day too.