I can’t cope

[Captain24]

The city vibe was ok because we just spent the day in the waters edge in the rain. I didn’t venture near people or the busy parts. I left before peak hour traffic too so that was good. @AuntGlow 

They have been fairly good. Pix barely moved all night. Mind you I did have to sleep on the wrong side of the bed as she was in the way. She didn’t even get up to ask me for breakfast. She only came out when I was getting it ready. Jett has recovered reasonably well and is just being Jett. 

Im sure it’s been an expensive couple of weeks. All the bond, the moving, the fridge and I’m sure there is so much more.

My psych said cleaning my house every second day is overkill and to

limit myself with the tasks that I do. She suggested 2 tasks a day. 

Dropping anchor scares me as I’ve been so busy pushing all the thoughts away by keeping so busy. Dropping anchor will bring them back up and then I’ll have to feel them again. By doing so much stuff I was trying to prove that I was recovery focused and trying really hard. If it all comes up then I will fail at the whole recovery focused thing. Plus I’m scared as to where my MH will end up. 

[Captain24]

So I’m trying dropping anchor.. 

Its bringing up that I’m exhausted 

Im lazy for not doing anything

Guilt for not doing anything 

That I’m hopeless

That I’m worthless. 
Im a failure for not doing anything. 
That I’ve let myself down. 
That I am a loser 

That I really do feel depressed even though I’ve been hiding it. 

Now I’m suppose to acknowledge it and feel it. But that’s too hard. It’s too hard to admit to. 

I’ve been hiding so much from everyone pretending that the world has been ok. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 those are a lot of heavy thoughts and feelings to carry, and you deserve to release that load. 

do you have a safe space where you sit and work through it? being honest with ourselves can be hard, but it's also an opportunity for us to show/work on self-compassion.

sometimes it might be good to have a list of neutral or positive phrases/affirmations you can say to yourself when things are hard. do you have some?

[Captain24]

How do I work through them @rav3n? That bit I’m not sure how to do. I feel like Ive opened a can of worms and don’t want to fall down that rabbit hole. 

No.. no affirmations or phrases. I don’t know where to start. 

[rav3n]

i'm not too sure how your psych would go about it, but from what i understand @Captain24: 

you first drop the anchor by acknowledging your thoughts and feelings. we want to create some distance between you and those thoughts/feelings so it doesn't overwhelm you. to do this, you can say phrases like "i'm feeling..." and "i'm having thoughts that..." (this way you're separating yourself from those thoughts/feelings).

while this happens, we don't want to distract or judge any feelings, sensations, etc., that pop up. we're just letting it float by, almost like 'yeah i hear you but i'm not going to engage'. you don't need to respond to them, they're just passing by. i like to think of my emotions/thoughts as lil passengers in boats, flowing down a stream that travels one way. they're going down the stream and i'm just watching them float away.

once they've been let out, you can come back to your body and do gentle movements:

• push your feet onto the ground
• press your fingertips together
• gently strength your arms and neck
• shrug or roll your shoulders
• breathe slowly/comfortably

take your time and focus on each movement. once you've come back to your body, doing a grounding exercise like the 5 senses one can bring you back to your surroundings and re-engage with your normal routine again.

• 5 things you can see
• 4 things you can hear
• 3 things you can feel
• 2 things you can smell
• 1 thing you can taste
• then continue with you activity (e.g. playing with Jett and Pix, watching tv, etc).

For the senses activity, it can be helpful to pay attention to each sense in detail (i.e. for an item you see, observe the size, the texture, the colour, the temperature of it, etc.)

this is simply the way i interpret 'dropping the anchor' so please do chat with your psych if you find you need further support with this tool. i'm definitely no expert on this! let me know how you go and feel free to share your progress here if it helps 💙

[Captain24]

Thanks for that @rav3n 

I tried it but I struggled a little. I guess it’ll take practice but I’m suppose to do it everyday so I’ll get better. 

I feel so exhausted after it though. 

I feel like I have nothing to give. My body is so weak and heavy. I’m so tired. So tired that I can’t function. 

[rav3n]

no worries at all @Captain24.

it makes sense that you feel exhausted, emotions can be A LOT! yep, it's one of those things that with practice becomes almost 'natural' to let the thoughts sit and float away. 

even though it was tricky, great job on giving it a go!! now that we know it's quite exhausting to get through, maybe next time you can have a post-anchor activity ready to go so you can rest and recharge. what's your post-anchor activity for today? what would help you feel rested?

[Captain24]

I hope it gets easier and less taxing @rav3n 

Im just watching tv. The nanny was on and now Seinfeld. I don’t have anything in me to do anything else. 

I need to find something that is relaxing and restful. I was talking about that with my psych yesterday but I have no idea as to what. Before my appointment yesterday I just sat and watched the beach for an hour. I can’t do that here. 

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon @Captain24, 

It sounds like you found a way to make the city more comfortable for you. The rain sounds really nice actually... are you feeling somewhat rejuvenated after your trip?

Aww Pix sounds absolutely spent! I like that Jett is just being Jett - very on brand. 

Yes, so many things. It really does add up, but I am feeling very grateful to have a roof over my head. 

How does the idea of two tasks a day sit with you?

I know, it's really brave and very vulnerable to sit with the things we have been pushing aside. So actually, this is incredibly recovery-focused. I saw you posted your practice of dropping anchor today - how did that feel? 💛

[rav3n]

@Captain24 i have complete faith that it will get easier and less draining over time. 

the nanny! i remember my mum watching it after work, and then after her i'd watch friends. miss the 90s sitcoms!

is the closest beach to you quite far? hmm what about the beach makes it feel relaxing? perhaps you can use some of those elements at home (e.g. if it's the sounds, then listening to audio clips of waves crashing?) it won't beat going to an actual beach but maybe it can help promote some sort of calmness.