Winter solstice

[Dimity]

Maybe the cat peacefully sleeping is a glimmer @AuntGlow . 

 I have shelves of unread books. If I go to audio books I'll look for recent indigenous fiction to start with. 

 

[AuntGlow]

That is absolutely a glimmer @Dimity. 

Such beautiful flowers too - are they in your yard?

It sounds like you have lots to choose from, which is great!

What else does this week hold for you? 💛

[Dimity]

No the photos are from nearby streets @AuntGlow . Not many nice gardens but a few. 

This week I'll continue struggling with my paperwork quagmire. There's still a lot to do but it's slow. I'm trying to quell my anxiety about the various family problems too, some of which are enmeshed with the procedural tangle.  I'll reach out to the counsellor despite my misgivings. And hope for (look for?) some positive experiences 

[AuntGlow]

I understand @Dimity. What would make the paperwork feel even 1% easier?

I can imagine there would be quite a lot of anxiety around all of this... what's been helping to soothe those thoughts and feelings?

Please let me know how things with your counsellor go.

And yes, noticing what feels good will help, even if it's as simple as enjoying the nearby gardens. 🥰

[Dimity]

@AuntGlow today I put on a couple of CDs while working through papers.  It rained late afternoon which was soothing. 

Having spoken to my gp, I've written to counsellor setting out my expectations. I've decided to continue seeing her as she'd been helpful but I remarked on the loss of trust. 

I really don't know how to sooth my anxiety apart from trying to address the causes. People say to let go of what I can't control but that feels like the powerlessness of past trauma. Back to  breath exercises in the moment. No sense of moving forward into healing, dread instead. 

[AuntGlow]

Hi @Dimity, 

How are things feeling for you today? 

I think being clear about how this has made you feel and what you need, whilst also acknolwedging that she has helped you, shows so much emotional maturity. Of course, know that you can move on if it feels too much, but I am proud of you for having hard conversations. 

I understand what you mean about letting go of control - it's so much easier said than done. I think we have touched on this previously, but what would happen if you refocused on what you can control and the things that are currently helping to empower you? 💛

[Dimity]

I had to step back. Nothing is helping empower me. I feel there's little or nothing I can control so I retreat. When I said being subjected to adverse circumstances i can't control reminds me of the powerlessness of past trauma I meant that literally. Past assaults and bullying and deprivation. And I've been unwell for months which I now find is due to a condition which is a side effect of my medication. 

It's 4 months since I saw anyone socially. I've spoken on the phone socially once or perhaps twice in the last month. I registered with an organisation for social support for they haven't followed up. 

I'm trying to look after myself and keep moving forwards. I'm pedalling as hard as I can but I'm just treading water and if I stop I'll go under.

[AuntGlow]

Oh wow, @Dimity... this is so, so much to hold. I wish I could give you a big hug and do more to be there for you. I know it will be hard to simply shift out of how you're feeling with all you have going on, but what is one thing we could do for you here? What are you needing most? 💛

[Dimity]

Thanks for acknowledging me @AuntGlow . It helps and is more than I expected,  and I'm grateful.

It's a glimmer!

[Appleblossom]

@Dimity gentle hugs 

today is an equinox and I thought of you 

sending warm healing thoughts 

I know you have a lot on, with med side effects and recent surgery and family and bureaucratic tangles.

❤️🍏🍎